he is only 19 and she is still in school a senior 17 years old. A son is a son until he takes a wife is an apt saying. At the end of the night, they came into our house to watch him open his gifts. He is an adult and doesn't seem to be concerned about her sitting around smoking all day, not cleaning up or contributing to the bills. Kids. Three months to a 16-year-old sounds like eternity, and a broken girl like her will seek out another fixer. Needs constant contact, validation, and attention. I can't undo what I said to my son about my concerns about the neglect and stealing of clothing. 65 Likes, TikTok video from Ryan The Lion (@ryantrout1): "Me when my girlfriend doesn't want to hang out with me". Her family is unstable and made crazy comments to Scarlet and about us. I have been helping my mom during this time. Fifteen years from now, she'll be on oxygen and in a wheel chair. He began to see our points, and he broke up with this girl. Good luck. You must re-establish a connection with your son and you can do it only through love and humility. You might also ask his closest friend, cousin or sibling to talk with him. Family is forever. Like taking my younger sons things and hiding them in her dresser, stupid things like his hair gel and she seems extremely jealous of my younger sons close relationship with Matt. In this way, you will show him that it isn't that you do not "like" the girl. You know your teenage son better than anyone, and the thought of someone coming in and stealing his heart is simply no bueno. Your email address will not be published. Help! What's your favorite food? People tell that hate is a strong word but there is no other way to describe how. However, this shouldnt deter you from educating him about healthy relationships, especially if you have the feeling that my sons girlfriend is manipulative. He said it was his male friend who visited him but not the girl! This is not a matter of "getting along" with his girlfriend. Well, they have been going together for four years. In turn that left us having to beat on the door asking her to please get up and leave. Young girls also are developing into who they want to be so a lot of this behavior is thoughtless and fleeting. We ask them to come in to discuss this and the mother will not even sit down. She might behave in ways that he wishes he could or at least in ways that seem very different from his perhaps sheltered life. my son has been with a girl for 2 years now the family can't stand her. HOWEVER, you can tell your son that if the child's school gets involved, he and his girlfriend will be reported for neglect and this can cause him to lose custody of his child. Reach out and make the effort. Often, controlling people fear losing power and a need to influence the world . Taking Action In Your Sons Unhealthy Relationship. Also, she was told that when my son leaves for work in the mornings, she must leave at the same time. Feel free to email me anytime to discuss. I phoned him, he said, he wasn't leaving her and she had chosen him. A year ago he started dating this girl, at first I really liked her, she tried to be a mediator between my son and I and she was helpful and always got him home when I wanted him home That didn't last long. If you're feeling distant from your child, Coleman suggests proactively tackling the issue in a conversation. My son is mixed up with a true bitch! My son had 2 vehicles at the time and didn't need another one. Here is my advice: For the time being, don't fight against this girl or this relationship. If you withdraw your love, she'll only resent your fianc for it. It has gotten to the point that our son has given up all his friends and only does things with her and her parents. We advised to keep one subject he is on top of, as he has always said if he took a gap year he will never go back to study! Love your son without forcing ultimatums. My son began dating this girl when he was 17. Son's girlfriend doesn't like me. Your son must be a person who sees the good in all people and who tries to fix them. The Debater. Any advice and insight on these situations of life. One must choose wisely, and there is an old adage to "go into marriage with both eyes open. In a gentle manner, make it clear to your mother that you and the mother of your child will be married soon. What could they have in common other that sex? This is the mother of your child and the mother of her grandchild. It is hard to teach young ones that breaking up feels bad but it is better than breaking up when there is so much more at stake such as divorce and children. You don't have to start planning the wedding or be overly indulgent and supportive of the relationship but just warm, friendly and loving. Thanks for stopping by! It is like his new best friend is her 43 yr old father. u don't have a job, u shouldn't pay for ur friend's food! Anything I say or do is considered wrong and I no longer know how to behave . My girlfriend is the humblest and kindest women I have ever met and I like her for who she is and not what she has. Thanks very much! The same with the girlfriend! In fact, shower your mother with lots of love and attention when your new wife is around so she will associate your wife with good times and loving feelings from her son. I wish you success in this. His Grandparents are elderly and it's unfair that they are having to go through this again. Its normal for your adolescent boy to separate from his family. We are in a day where accusations can and will destroy a person. The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. But he is happy, and you did not mention anything about the girl or her parents having a negative impact on your son's life or happiness aside from his not living the way you think he should. If he is okay with them, you should be too. is it normal for mothers to get jealous and mistreat the girlfriend, even though I've never disrespected their rules and wants for their son? If this girl is important to him than she is important to you, too. enlightenment yoga in astrology; frangible bullet wound. Being a mother, I spoke up and told him to be careful with this. Get on the same page with your significant other. Chances are he's going to keep being abusive to his girlfriends until he chooses to change. We have tried to give our son his space, included her in many family gatherings, dinners, etc. It was sudden. The cops that responded to her police call informed her that it was a civil matter. Concentrate on your relationship with him. Some first loves are destined to be "the one" while others eventually dissolve as each person involved matures. I've been dating a guy for 2 years now and have always been respectable and kind to his family. In otherwise healthy, mature people, the thrill of life comes from love, discovery, learning or adrenaline-inducing experiences. Your son reacts negatively or flinches in her presence. The real issue is not about accepting your son's girlfriend, but rather accepting the choices that you as the parent make. Take the initiative when you sense genuine estrangement. Do you still talk to your son and express that his family loves and misses him? What you might see as great experiences for young people may not be what he enjoys or wants to experience during his youth. During this time he started dating a woman he met online from another state who was pregnant with another man's child. It is important to have cell phone rules for kids. It's no longer about what you want for him or what you think is best for him. Sometimes, there is no way to save your loved one from his mistakes (and life is for learning and one tends to learn best through making mistakes). You said you dont like your sons gf because shes childish, woooah! Why not invite them both to join you and your family for dinner. She has refused to accept my apology even my husband has now apologised, she told my husband that she wants nothing to do with any of his family and he will never see any of his grandchildren. Break the ice with some funny family stories and invite her to share her own memories with your son. If he were going to give his own son advice if he were going to marry a woman like his fianc, what would he say to his son? I can't help but think that your son isn't capable of making sound decisions for himself let alone his son. To pat -- Its YOUR house, you lovingly but firmly must set the rules. Kimberly! I got him home, cleaned him up (she had dragged him down in just a few short months) - he was dirty and stinky! She's 52 years old! The Arena Media Brands, LLC and respective content providers to this website may receive compensation for some links to products and services on this website. But if they do it after getting in a relationship, you should consider some stringent friendly actions that will limit their interactions with their new partner. I am going to tell you for the 6 months I have known her I have never said anything negative to her are about her. We have a 1 year old son together. Sing her praises but not in a way that will make your mother feel less or feel jealous. But it sounds as though you imposed them without discussion, when you might have suggested the temporary rule as a recommendation, a suggestion, and asked them if they had alternative ideas for how to improve their chances of passing the exams. I have tried everything possible to promote my son and help me succeed professionally. He has never been pressured to study anything he does not want to - made his own choices & is supported in his hobbies & passions; which she is not really supporting as they take time from her. 8. One day, he asked me through text messages to give him $20 because he's going out with his friends to eat out. You will not get far in discussing this with him or his girlfriend. This is why so many mother and daughter-in-law relationships become estranged: a tug-of-war with an unhappy male in the middle of it all. I apologize for not checking in to respond to these comments (deaths in family and other medical issues). She is trying to keep him from his family, I really hates her! My son is my only child and he is a hard working young man and all she is doing is wasting his money and using him to look after her kids that belongs to two different men! We did this due to her poor attitude and disrespect towards me and my fiance. We didn't feel like celebrating. Keep in mind there is a court appearance coming up. When did the young men (mid 20s) become so accepting of being cheated on, emotionally abused,mmmoyand being dominated by their. You dont own him alright??! The thing was I had purchased most of those outfits for my grandson who is three and was starting headstart within that month, so I knew they weren't her childs. I could immediately tell from the type of pictures she had on her social media accounts and the tings that she would say that she was not someone I wanted for my son. Mo Mulla is a work from home dad who enjoys reading and listening to music, He loves being a dad and husband to a growing family. Parents may see through their sons girlfriend, but there are other red flags keep an eye on. Visit them alone sometimes. Im struggling and I can't sleep well at night. I tried to open up to her about certain topics, which got a little emotional due to my time of the month and she completely ignored me and started doing something else and ignored the fact that I was crying for help and comfort in a time of need. Why would my son stay with a girl that threatened to beat my butt and call me horrible names? Now me and my husband because we do not approve. "She really loves you and dad." What are their reasons? APRIL 20 ORIGINAL COWBOY DIES Former NFL running back Don McIlhenny, who in 1960 scored the first rushing touchdown in Dallas Cowboys history, has died at the age of 88. 2. Do you think that they might blame you for their father's leaving the family? Here are some ideas to lighten the mood and make her feel welcome. Giving up his own personal hobbies and desires etc. He had a family before he got with her. We expressed that it wasn't that we didn't like this girl as a person and that we understood that everyone is "broken" in some wayand some people are worth fixingand that everyone deserves to be lovedbut this woman needs to fit into his life, his lifestyle, which includes his family. Another persons perspective might help him see his girlfriend for who she is. We will love you always. I thought this was bad enough! Why does it feel bad? They will become co-dependent. Am I in the wrong? At 18, he has the right to live as he chooses. I always told my kids that if they wanted to "play house" with a lover than they needed to own up to all the responsibilities that comes with that privilege. When You Don't Like Your Son's Girlfriend. And we presented our concerns. I was sick. no dreams now. Look whos talking.. Of course your son would protect his girl! This content is accurate and true to the best of the authors knowledge and is not meant to substitute for formal and individualized advice from a qualified professional. Do not be that bump! Is your theme custom made or did you download it from somewhere? What concerns me is that this new woman and son moved near me without her resolving her financial situation in the other state and that this new woman claims that my son would have her hide in the closet when my ex-spouse and his step mom would visit him. She is foul mouthed and I mean drops the f-bomb like its candy even in from of us. Both eyes open, we told him, if he wanted to avoid heartache later. And honestly, I didn't like the girl for my son! Also her parents love him, who wouldn't he is a great person, and are now starting to manipulate him too by giving him an allowance travel card. Explaining what abuse, assault, and rape really are can be confusing, but it is important for his life and the lives of the girls he meets. My 17 year old son has been dating his girlfriend for a few months now, they were also friends for about a year or so prior. Ouch. Your reasons are sound and valid from a parent's perspective, but in all honesty, you have to remember that he has a life of his own. ParentalQuestions.com 2021 All rights reserved. Why else would a decent young man tolerate a girl who mistreats or disrespects his parents whom he loves? Lori Phillips (author) from Southern California USA on December 08, 2017: Susan, this sounds like less of a problem about the girlfriend and more with your adult son. Their expectations of their daughter's fianc or husband will be very different from their expectations of her boyfriend. On occasion when I see her, I am always the one to say hello (I was raised right). If there is only one person he can trust in this world, it is his mother. That is all. Now we just ask we know where he is since he lives with us still. he had a dream of going to college after high school was going to major in medical field of some type. Now this woman is expecting us to resolve her issues. Be direct: "What have I done to make you treat me this way?" Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated as I do not want this to spoil his siblings Christmas and upset his elderly Grandparents. The McIlhenny family is . He also loves writing about his passions and hopes to change the world, 1 blog post at a time! Hello, my situation is very hard and I truly feel like my son hates me at this point. Unfortunately, that was the beginning of his down fall. We both enjoyed the same things and had so much to talk about, we became friends pretty quickly before that and it just kinda spiraled into us dating. She pretends that she does not see me or ignores me. She offers something that he wants on a physical, emotional or psychological level. He might not missing out on anything at all. But they're in love and insist that age is just a number. Lori Phillips (author) from Southern California USA on November 04, 2015: Good for you, Bill. does not see any of these issues we are having with her, Love is blind I know. My sons girl friend hates us. I sent hours on my patio scraping the mildew off and letting it sit in the sun to kill off what I could. Tell him that it was just so upsetting to see your precious son headed towards problems in life that could be avoided. He does not seem concerned for his son's health and well-being. Because when she knows this, she'll do anything to make you happy in return even if that means accepting the new love of your life. She hasn't wanted to get to know our family from the beginning. Sadly, especially sons, they do break away at some point. She asked my husband for money, my son has said if she sees we are helping him out Financial she might eventually come round. I implore you all not to cut ties with your son for any reason. 210K views, 25K likes, 8.6K loves, 132K comments, 25K shares, Facebook Watch Videos from Zion Prayer Movement Outreach: NIGHT OF OPEN HEAVEN (22ND APRIL,. The other day I ran into the mother of my middle son's former girlfriend. That is no small thing and in fact, can still save him. I would say some of the things here but I don't want to offend anyone. it really bothers the family cuz we thought we brought our son up with the understanding that family comes first that you never bring trash in your family and take up for your family! If she is trying to distance him from you or his family. But I believe he condoned her prostitution. My son's girlfriend doesn't like me and has banned me from visiting the house, I am not allowed to attend family birthdays or other events like Christmas, Easter etc. 6. He has a girlfriend and we allowed her to come stay in our home 3 nights a week. Bill Holland from Olympia, WA on November 03, 2015: All great advice, Lori. She's nice before and always greet and smile to me whenever we meet. When you consistently cook and clean for him, even if he didn't ask you to, he gets accustomed to full-on mom treatment. My son wants to tell me and he has an expectation that I should welcome her with open arms (she has never been welcome in my home). They will remember all of your loving care you gave them through the years and eventually, they will change their behavior towards you. Just emotionless responses or civil remarks. I asked my son again, if she is his girlfriend, and said, no! However, I would remind him that he's not owning up to his adult responsibilities in having and providing for his woman without your help. When she started dating Matt she lived with her aunt apparently did not see eye to eye with her mother and step father whom run a beautiful heifer farm and her mom is a school teacher. Civil towards her. Lori Phillips (author) from Southern California USA on December 24, 2012: Don't make a big deal about their engagement. We'd love to add it to our calendar. When he said that, then I reacted, I said why?.. iStock. Especially when my son's ex-gf came to me and told me how much she missed him and loved him. Would you like to prove once and for all that parents know best? Redirecting to /talk/behaviour_development/a1209810-Sons-girlfriend-doesnt-say-hello-to-me-or-my-wife-when-she-comes-to-our-home. We need to reflect on his relationship with his family prior to this relationship with this girl. I pointed out that she will get you to pay for both of her kids and any she has for you. We have tried to talk with our son about what we felt in the beginning was just typical new mom depression or her being overwhelmed. We have enjoyed a good relationship for the past 18 months with our son, he has telephoned me everyday, visited his grandparents and us, now he's ignoring us all again. Were you too harsh? My ex-husband and I have both assisted my son during the custody battle with financial matters. The woman that my son has fallen for is extremely, apologetically disrespectful as well. "Mom, this girl makes me happy." They began dating when she was 16 and he 17. I treated her like a daughter (I don't have a daughter). The passing of his father, my husband had impacted us both and I believed we were always going to be close. This is all good advice however, what to you recommend if you see a son in turmoil due to a needy girlfriend. Needless to say, it infuriated me!! If she is using tricks to get something she wants from her. Do not address the negative comments that she is making to others or she will have to defend herself and she'll get resentful towards your fianc. But the thing is, Only the two of them in the house! we will never accept her we just don't know what to do. I even renovated her house and spent lots of money but now there is a problem when i support my girlfriend. Please note that I have not informed my girlfriend of this as it will hurt her heart. Today I mad him leave with no where to go and cried after her left and watched him load that tiny car. If you were only good to them and they still treat you this way, I would sit them down for a talk to find out what they are thinking. Use humor. If she comes with serious emotional baggage, including mental or physical illness or addictions and he loves her enough to take her as is, you need to step aside and allow him to walk the life path he chooses. For instance, impose curfew hours in your home. It sounds as though she has problems and your son might have his own self-esteem issues so that he feels better than she is, that he doesn't deserve better or that he can help/save her. So I let him waddle in the mess he made for about 6 months - until one day I just decided that I didn't want him to suffer. Don't give up. We need to question why this girl attracts him. I am going through hell and probably have lost my son for good. So my question is, what should I do? My son is an adult. also, this girl has done some things that have been very disturbing as well, that would scare any mother. We have always tried so hard as a family to make her . She translates your disapproval of the relationship as a rejection of her. I can only suggest that your area of expertise is love, the love of being his mother. When I bought my grandson those items I also purchased clothing in 12 month size at her request for her son. We spent a week at the beach for spring break just last week and had another girl with us my younger sons girlfriend, Matts girlfriend in a full 7 days never spoke to her once it was obvious she was jealous, I cannot even imagine not speaking a week to someone that I was in the same condo with. Where is your hometown? losing a job is really hard and can get you down. Your family cell phone policy should include limits on cell phones at night and at school, and you should monitor cell phone contacts for young kids. We then see pics of he and his girlfriend hanging out at the park, or movies, or with her family (taken on the same day as the one we tried to get together). Lori Phillips (author) from Southern California USA on August 19, 2012: Hello, Dave. I feel for you because sometimes it isn't our fault at all but what is going on in their own heads. The right girl will bring more love and joy to the family as the family grows. He will defend her to others because he is the only one who "truly understands" that there is a sweet girl underneath the tough exterior. Still, it would be best if you were careful about how you approach the matter. However, I have traveled beyond the point of no return. Kimberly Atkins from Cameron, NC on May 26, 2018: This article gave me a different perspective and some things to consider on my sons relationship. Remember, if you read my above comments, you'll understand what I mean when I say, "Call to the kitten." Please do something for your grandson's safety and well-being. Then she began threatening suicide Not long after my son followed suit and began cutting, threatening suicide, and having violent outbreaks. But, Dave, remember one important thing: This woman is not a mere girlfriend. You might also ask his closest friend, cousin or sibling to talk with him. I asked my son if there's something between him and the girl, but he said they're just friends. It was his first girlfriend. Required fields are marked *. The key to this situation progressing is your girlfriend. For now, don't tell your fianc about all this. Do you have a recipe we could all cook together? Then they had June exams, they are both in Matric and I had to start putting boundaries in place in which I told them that they can only see each other 1 day of the weekend until after exams. do oysters taste like fish. Then, if and when problems in their relationship arise, he'll be able to turn to you for solace and guidance. But they don't like my girlfriend we had some issues in the beginning but I don't blame my girlfriend there were alot of outside interference. Moving on, as my son got the career opportunity, Scarlet came every week and they lived on the phone 24/7 because she cheated on him twice and he could not trust her. I decided to post this comment because I am proof that doing right by your child or a person does not mean that you will be okay. The first relationship she tore apart was he and his 1st girlfriend. He is experimenting with other personality types than those he has been used to dating. If its out of control, then you might want to keep them grounded for a while. I do not think disinviting her from holiday/family events is the answer. Before you act on any of this, I suggest you speak with a family court representative or attorney to see what your rights, as a grandparent, are. Your continuing negativity will force your son to decide between you and her. Once she wormed her way in, she stopped respecting my wishes and started rebelling as well (probably my son's influence). We were trying to give him support until he found his first professional job. However, the reality is that my relationship with my son has changed and I can't really see any improvement as long as he is with this woman. Her mom kicked her out of the house a fact we recently just found out as his girlfriend told us she moved out. I tried to talk to my son several times but he brushed me off. Physical abuse and aggressive language are obvious signs parents should notice instantly. Please advise. Obviously, we must have a very different circle of friends, coworkers and relatives. I know you have concerns about your son getting into a serious relationship so young, but isn't your top priority your son's happiness? I tried talking to him about it to woo him back to her. She hates our whole family for no reason at all. Contact amy.frank@vpetalent.com with your story to apply. Hi Lori. He told her and then called me later to tell me that she was highly offended and never wanted me to do their laundry again and that all of that clothing belonged to her son. ", "Your life, your choice, son. She reached out to you to get to know you better and was met with suspicion and accusations. This is my first post and I'm really hoping for some advice. And in our case, my son wouldn't go to counseling so we had to provide a little for him through our our heartfelt communication. But this article gave me too a different perspective. I trust you. Maybe she is a way for him to stand up to his parents even if in a subconscious way. We are all heartbroken and only talk with him occasionally. My family and I were sure to surround my son with lots of love all the time so he knew what a loving family he had and what he would be missing if he had to make a choice. THANKS ELIA. I also would remind him that parents are the only sure relationship that would never end. If he were unhappy, I can understand your wanting to change his situation. Lori Phillips (author) from Southern California USA on July 27, 2010: Hi Laila, there is so much to know before I can really help. In fact, I discovered later, the picture was taken several years earlier. The important matter to focus on is that you aren't an underage child or young adult and you don't need your mother's approval for this relationship.